CHCHCHC changes

oh wow this seems so strange to me to be typing on this again but i but i had a sudden urge and i feel like this is the right thing to be doing right now. I've alway thought of this as an open journal... like place were i could log what i did that day have i thought it would be interesting to read back over them and to hear other peoples perspectives on my life. but i think i got bored with that a little while after starting and people seemed to loss interest. and who could blame them because i'm not a very outgoing ground breaking person, if i was working on some scientific discovery or just all in all an interesting person blogging would make more sense. I wish i could be more outgoing, i wish i could pretend to be a shark expert and give presentation on them to a bug audience but that is just not me... what is me what am i going to try and contribute to the world, the sad answer is probably nothing but what is the fun in that, none.
This is a funny part of life because i guess I am an adult but i really don't act like one at all and I'm really sheltered and well support by my family. And ti's sad because being sheltered has caused me to loss lots of self confidence and normal social skills. Often times i think of the world in a primal way and i look at the people that would be self sufficient and able to take care of themselves and i envy them because it is taking me longer then normal (it seems) to reach that point. maybe someday i will look and see myself as the alpha male of my primal day dreams... but i doubt it.
going to college is going to be really interesting. because i know I'm not the slightest bit ready. I've never really worked a real job or lived on my own for more then a week... i wonder if these are normal modern 18 year old problems or if i really am behind the curve. I hope that being thrust into an atmosphere where i have to learn quickly will give me the opportunity to learn how to take care of myself.
right now my room smells like cat piss, and it it's complete mess and I'm sitting on a broken couch, I could try and fix some of these things but instead I've decided to write down complete complaining gibberish.
I feel like a have a lot to figure out in these next couple months and i feel like i might be hurting some very supportive important people to me along the way. perhaps i will give this whole blog thing another chance. but right now all i want to do is read harry potter. so goodbye for now.